My “think positive” is broken…

Today hasn’t been such a good day. My body is beginning to take on the familiar ache from before my treatment began and I just don’t know what to do anymore. The constant questions… I’m tired of trying to play detective. Is it the new meds? Is it the change in diet? Is it because of a change in the weather pattern? My hormones? Do I take pain meds knowing there will be a rebound effect when I stop? Do I take a nasal decongestant knowing I will have a similar rebound effect? Why do I feel so feverish but I’m not actually running a fever? Why do I have such a chill? And again I ask myself, is it the new meds? The change in diet? The change in weather? My hormones?

Round and round I go, trying to fix whatever is broken. I try to make one change at a time, to limit the variables (once a science geek always a science geek). First we added the new nasal meds and took away the red meat, and I began eating chicken as my primary protein source for 10 or so days. During which I noticed an increase in joint and muscle pain, fatigue, feverishness, stuffy sinuses and brain fog… So I stopped the chicken too, and I began to eliminate animal products altogether except for eggs.

I even eliminated my coffee. Primarily because I can’t drink it without cream, and I wanted to get rid of dairy completely. For those people who know me, dropping coffee is huge. I switched to chai tea, which I can enjoy with coconut cream if I feel like something creamy.

That doesn’t leave a whole lot for me to eat these days. Apples and almond butter is my usual lunch, clementine oranges, salads, my paleo banana nut muffins, quinoa, and all types of veggies. At this point, I wake up afraid to put anything in my mouth. My mother commented that with all the dietary restrictions, I should be dropping a huge amount of weight. The fact that I haven’t, which means that something is really “off” with me systemically, wasn’t lost on her.

I’m tired. I want to cry. I want to wallow in my pain and crawl under the covers and ignore the world for a while. I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be positive. In fact, I’d stomp around and throw a tantrum if I had the energy and my hips didn’t hurt so much.

*sigh*

Back to the couch… wishing I could just go to bed….