Best. Lecture. EVER.

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Today, I was invited to attend a lecture being given by one of the doctors treating me for Chronic Lyme disease and co-infections. I have to say, I am so glad I made the 2+ hour trip (with the help of my best friend) to be there, because it was probably the best lecture I have ever attended.

Normally when I get my visits with my doctors, I am scribbling notes as they speak, because I’m hoping that after I get through this part of my education, I was hoping to sit down and make some sense of the treasure trove of information I have within the pages of that journal. Today’s lecture consisted of so much of what I have in that journal, except it was presented in an organized way, and suddenly SO MANY PIECES of the puzzle, the lab work, the herbals, the pharmaceuticals, co-infections…it all just coalesced in my mind. I was able to finally see the big picture.

I was surrounded by students younger than me: some undergrad, some DNP students. Dr. J entertained questions and discussion throughout, and I think that it was wonderful to be able to engage like that. My heart broke momentarily, when one student asked about patients who present with these myriad of symptoms, what would she be expected to do? To whom would she refer these patients to? I wanted so badly to stand up and shout, “It’s up to us! It’s up to the new generation of doctors and NPs to take on the challenge and advocate for these patients! We have to learn from those who have come before us and continue the fight!”

But I didn’t.

Later, I was able to bring it up to Dr J, and the student who had said it, and she commented that she wished I had said it. It’s a moment I won’t forget. I felt so empowered.

This. I am so meant to do this. I still have a long, hard road ahead, but I have to do this.

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Pain Up – Morale Down

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My second semester of nursing school ended on May 5th of 2015. It was a tough semester. Faculty changes, fundraising and organizing a breakfast for 200 students and administrators, and an extra class really took its toll on me. I was supposed to have 2 weeks off before we started our 10 week summer session, beginning with our psychiatric rotation.

I thought I was smart. I scheduled all my appointments while I was off during my first week, thinking I could have a week to “rest,” before we began another semester. I didn’t take into account how much work I’d have to do before my classes even started, and I didn’t take into account that my socializing (even as little as it was) only wore my body down further.

I’m exhausted. I’m hurting. I’m stressed and losing my patience with my own family. I don’t like who I am right now. I’ve been negative and snippy and miserable to be around. Today I am going to try and turn that around. I start class tomorrow, and I’ve finished up my work that had to be done in preparation for tomorrow’s class, so today I will sit and color. Or lie on the couch and watch crappy day time television. Or curl up with good book. The real kind. The one with pages and everything. There is something therapeutic about the weight of a book in your hand, and having the silence broken only be the sound of turning the pages…

I have got to get better at expressing my boundaries. Hell, I’ve got to get better at recognizing my boundaries. I think that is the real issue. For example, I love to socialize. I love having friends over, going to visit friends and I love being with people. It’s uplifting to me. But too much of a good thing… well, it’s not always a good thing.

Balance. I need to find it.