So much exhaustion, so much pain…

I hadn’t written in some time, maybe because I don’t want to confess to the difficulties I’m currently facing, but sometimes all it takes is a few words from someone who can empathize with your struggles to free the words and give voice to so much silence.

I’m 4+ months into my new job as an RN. I work two twelve hour shifts a week, which is part time, since three 12 hour shifts a week is full time. And I’m not sure if it’s the job or the weather or the fact that I’m on night shift (and probably all three are factors), but my pain and my fatigue is getting to disheartening levels.

Chronic pain is depressing. It’s demoralizing. It’s exhausting.

And I feel horrible complaining because I know all my co-workers, to some extent, deal with pain, too. So I don’t complain. Or at least, I try really hard not to.

And I don’t even complain on my blogs anymore, because for starters I don’t feel “safe” anymore on one of them. I feel judged. Someone I know who reads them has said hurtful things, mean things, and so I don’t share like I used to. I probably shouldn’t allow anyone to take take away what was once a helpful coping mechanism, but I’m just not sure how to navigate the possible fall out of that right now.

I’m not in a good place right now. I’m too tired and too sore and I’m taking more pain relievers than I really want to just to make it through. And I’m tired of being thankful and I’m tired of staying positive and I really want to complain a whole lot to anyone who will listen. But I’m not sure it will do any good and I’m not always certain anyone wants to hear it…