Yesterday was excruciating. By the end of the day, I was practically immobile. I was in bed early last night (7ish) after drugging myself with a Flexiril and some prescription strength Alleve. And now I am up early in the am, looking online through my college’s library system, for peer reviewed articles on hormones and pain. Since my pain is cyclic, and it amps up around the time of ovulation and menstruation, I was hoping to find some studies dealing with chronic pain and female hormone imbalances. In addition to my thyroid being off (another factor in chronic pain I am learning), my progesterone is low.
Initially we tried progesterone replacement 2 weeks out of every month, but it made me so dizzy that I couldn’t attend a clinical rotation, for fear of my poor judgement and clumsy actions could put a patient at risk. So for the past few months my Ob/Gyn put me on a birth control pill, but that has been far worse for me pain wise, as my period is so irregular now that my pain can hit horrific levels, and are unpredictable.
Its days like yesterday that bring me down to scary emotional lows. I can get to the point where I tire of the constant battle that is this disease, and question my ability to finish my education. I am tempted to give up the fight altogether, and my mind has indulged that fantasy more in recent months because the pain can get so bad, and interfere so much with my daily life.
And I become far more sensitive to the insensitivity to others. I lost it yesterday, when someone expressed disappointment in my having to change plans, and I screamed, “I am sorry my illness inconveniences you!” I’m not proud of myself, but I am at the end of my rope. The pain is so all encompassing, and so intense, it changes who I am.
This morning I broke down into tears. My husband asked me not to cry as he went to work. He didn’t want to leave me in tears, both of us powerless to really do anything about it. So I pulled it together for his sake, just long enough so he could walk out the door. But even now the tears fall. I’m tired of fighting. So tired. So defeated.