I made a mistake today. I forgot to take my anti-inflammatory before class lecture. And 3 hours in, I was holding back the tears with clenched fists. Now I sit here, surrounded by and sitting on, pillows and cushions, popped my pill, and am icing my back, and trying to ease the pain in my hips.
I’m frustrated. I’m scared. I see my physical limitations and I worry about being able to succeed in my first job as an RN. I keep telling myself it will only be for a short time until I can earn the higher degrees that will let me see, diagnosis, and treat patients in an office setting as an NP, but I’m really worrying about my body’s ability to keep up with the demands I am going to be placing on it.
I have 2 weeks more of class and clinical before I take my final for the summer session that following Monday. I was hoping to begin the process of reclaiming the health I was beginning to get back when I was my first year into treatment, and before I applied to nursing school. I wanted to start back on my treadmill. I even ordered some new yoga tapes to try. I even wanted to get back to dancing…
But I’m frightened. And in pain. And overwhelmed. And I want to cry. I’m tired of the fight that this disease has become. Always being cognizant of what I eat. Even when I eat. What medicine to take and when. Trying to ration out my energy stores to deal with only the most pressing issues. (I’m pretty sure “spoonies” know all about this.) And not just my physical energy, but my mental and emotional energy as well. My ability to process any more input at this point is almost nil, and I try to save it for my academics. This means that I can’t even have conversations with my teenage daughter like I used to, because my brain screams in complete sensory overload. And I respond the same way to any physicality. If she or my husband want to hold or hug me, or cuddle before sleep (yes, even at her age, my daughter still begs to cuddle with her mommy at night before sleep), I cringe in pain and withdraw. Again, it’s just too much sensory overload. And neither one of them truly understand it. It makes me feel horrible. And guilty.
Oh the guilt. I can go on for days about the guilt. But I really don’t want to go down that rabbit hole at the moment… I’m still trying to claw my way up and out of this one.