Sometimes you just get tired of the fight

In one of the Lyme boards I participate in, there is a discussion about a certain Chronic Lyme patient who committed suicide in recent days.

It’s tragic. But I get it.

You get tired of the fight. You get tired of “managing spoons.” You get tired of defending yourself to people who will never truly understand, and sometimes that includes medical professionals.

And so you just give up.

I’ve been there. I’ve been so frustrated at times that I just wanted to throw in the towel, and be done with it. You’re frightened, and tired, and probably close to broke (if not there already) that suicide seems like a peaceful alternative.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I still have family who love me, and husband who busts his butt keeping us all above water. I can still afford treatment (at least some of the less expensive treatments – have you priced a month’s supply of azithromycin lately???)

And so as one of the lucky ones, I feel it’s even more important to give back, pay it forward, and keep fighting. Because when I kick this thing (and by kick I mean I’ll be happy to keep it under control if complete remission isn’t in the cards), I know I’ll be on the other side of the examining table, and will hopefully be able to help patients before they reach the point of giving up. I want to be someone patients know that I’ll do everything within my power to help them heal. I want patients to know that when no one else is listening, I *will* be. I want to stop one more untimely death…

Idealistic? Probably. But I’m guessing it’s these ideals that will push me past mental, emotional and physical obstacles in my own battle, and through school. So I’ll cling to them, at least for now.

In the meantime, H, rest in peace.007

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