(Warning: some bad language ahead)
I had a few doctors who insisted this was all in my head.
And that bothers me to NO END because first, they weren’t listening to a word I was saying about my health and life before I got sick, and second, because if they paid even the least bit attention to my personality, they would have realized that I would rather be in denial about being sick than actually admit to being sick.
Even if it was just a cold.
I’m the type that thought I could mostly will this shit away.
So when my health really began to deteriorate, I was already telling myself that it was “in my head,” that I just need more sunshine, a brisk walk, a little less sugar and extra veggies. So much so that by the time I saw those docs, I was at a loss because I had already tried to change what was within my power to change.
Even now, I continue to deny my illness. I continue to insist I’m getting better, even though it’s more likely that I’ve stagnated. To this day, I take my meds, I eat healthy, I try to get outside for a walk and do all the things that go along with being a mother and a wife: laundry, shopping, catching a movie with my daughter, visit with friends, celebrate holidays and birthdays like I always did…
So when I wake up, like I did today, and I feel dizzy and drunk and the room is spinning, I figure I just need some breakfast. Maybe add something sweet to my breakfast like an apple to keep my blood sugar up. Because I refuse to believe it’s the Lyme disease.
Even now, as I sit here, still dizzy, despite the breakfast and the apple, I’m having a little coffee, STILL hoping it’s something OTHER than the Lyme disease. Because in my head I’m going, “nah, I just need a little caffeine, I’ll be fiiiiiiiine.”
You see, I have shit that HAS to get done today. I’ve got studying to do and a paper to write, a psych project to finish up, and I start the nursing program in August and THIS CANNOT BE LYME BECAUSE IF IT IS, HOW WILL I GET THROUGH CLASSES?
So doc, when you tell me it’s all in my head, it’s not. I’ve already been there.
But just in case, I’m going to take a shower, because that might help, since the coffee hasn’t.