Time for a change

I broke down and emailed Doc C. This particular regimen isn’t working, and I am thinking it’s the anti malarial component that is causing the trouble. I need to go on the other anti malarial that I was on for three months, and did so well, that Doc C took me off all prescription meds back in February. I haven’t been the same since. I got a wonderful glimpse of what my life could be again, what it once was, and it’s of utmost importance I regain that level of health. I need to be in the best possible shape for the long road ahead.

Every day it seems I’ve deteriorated a little more. The aches and the pain and the debilitating fatigue plague me and my whole personality is crumbling as well. I probably should not have waited this long to insist on the switch, but for one, the current anti malarial is much more travel friendly, and two, Doc C said that it was a stronger medicine.

Well, stronger or not, I have to face the fact that it is not working for me. Doc C has been so good to me, too, that I feel like I’m failing her when I don’t improve like we both want. I forget that only so much of this fight is under my own control (like diet, stress level, and how much activity I manage). I forget that the roller coaster is part of the fight. 

It’s so hard to stay positive when the fight has been so long and so hard, and when I find myself in the grips of my symptoms. But I find that a sour attitude is like quicksand, in that in only pulls you under faster. Climbing out isn’t often an option, it’s just better to avoid it altogether.

So I sit here, along the edge, and wait, because I’m not certain that I won’t inadvertently slip into the quicksand, and drown altogether.

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